that's not what pretty looks like
winter gear review and the rail thin line between i love my body so i hike and i hate my body so i hike
The first time I looked into a mirror and hated my body I was in elementary school. In high school, I ran cross country and played soccer, and still looked at my stomach and hated it. A magazine once said that’s not what pretty looked like. I watched my one-mile race times religiously; in the girls locker rooms we talked about how the thinnest girls were faster.
I was a runner until I hurt my knees, and then I was a jogger. Then I moved up here, to Northern Minnesota, where it ices over so completely that running is improbable half the year and I became a hiker instead.
Being a hiker, a paddler, a backpacker was the perfect transition. I could no longer run five miles a day, but I could hike it. It was slower, and more intentional and most importantly there were no numbers. I wasn’t timing my hikes, and you don’t count miles paddling. I stopped browsing workout inspiration videos of girls at gyms in matching spandex and sports bras and the chickpea salads they ate every night and instead started browsing backpacking views, reading gear reviews and planning picnic hikes with pasta pesto and hot chocolate. It was a relief; I could be in shape without it being a punishment.
The aesthetics of outdoors culture are, of course, still centered on fitness, or rather thinness. The insidious messaging of workout culture and “fitspo” still works its way into the outdoors in the pictures you see of thin women in leggings and sports bras on mountains, and in the subsequent thought of I want to look like her. There is a rail thin line between the scores of workout videos promoting green juice diets and four hour daily workouts and the sports bra girls on mountains and in hot springs.
Best Gear I Used This Winter:
Winter gear is good. It’s baggy, and you can disappear in it. It’s warm, it’s cozy. The gear that fits me in the summer is too small in the winter. In the winter it’s easier to buy clothes that fit my body, and not try and make my body fit clothes.
Kuhl Hiking Pants & Midlayers
Three weeks ago, I pulled a pair of jeans I wear regularly out of the dryer and couldn’t get the zipper zipped all the way. I struggled with it for a few minutes and eventually got it, but felt ashamed. I couldn’t tell if the shame was because I had gained a little weight and the jeans didn’t fit right, or that I didn’t simply set the pants aside accepting the change in my body and put on something that fit. Am I experiencing shame because I gained a few pounds, or am I experiencing shame at the thought of hating my body for gaining that weight?
And then, if I do choose to work out because of that shame, how do I be sure I am doing so to take care of my body because I love it, and not because I hate it and want it to be smaller?
How can we separate our love for our bodies, wanting to move and take care of ourselves, from our hate for our bodies that’s been fostered since the elementary school? I don’t want the joy I feel hiking to be a result of the shame I felt looking in the mirror.
A few days later I folded that pair of jeans and tucked them at the bottom of a drawer. Maybe they’ll fit again this summer, maybe not. I got an email from Kuhl asking if I would be willing to review some gear, including women’s hiking pants.
Conveniently and for the reasons above, I needed new pants. I spent a half hour measuring myself to try and avoid any room for error; I wanted to put on a pair of pants that fit and made me feel good about myself.
I want to be so so clear that I’m not at all sharing about this as a commentary on anyone else’s body— I know bad it can feel to watch someone you perceive as thin & fit talk about their own body image issues. But here’s the thing:
Everyone, even the people we perceive as thin and fit and happy, even the people who did kayak expeditions over the summer and clocked forty trail miles a week all fall, even the sports bra mountain top girls, is struggling with how their bodies look. There is no number, no amount of miles a week, no pant size, no mile time that will make you love your body, because loving our bodies is a choice we have to wake up and make every single day.
And it’s really really hard. And if you’re struggling with that right now, I hear you and you are not alone.
Freeflex Rollup Pant (gifted)
I got the Freeflex Roll-Up Pants in Antique Gold and to my utter relief not only do they fit but they look good. They’re a super lightweight material, and most importantly to me come with a little drawstring around the waist, meaning when my weight changes for summer paddling I can simple subtlety cinch them a little tighter instead of looking like a castaway who can’t afford clothes that fit her (how I imagine I looked on trail all summer). I can’t emphasize my relief at the idea of pair of pants I can adjust to fit my body as my body changes.
These pants are good for: light and cool, these pants are great for travel, hiking, backpacking, and activities where you sweat. I fully intend to use these as camp pants when overnight kayaking over the summer.
These pants aren’t good for: winter hiking. These pants are super thin and don’t really make sense for winter hiking or skiing when it’s cold out. Instead, wear a base layer pant with a fleece layer or waxed canvas shell pant on top.
Prism 1/2 zip (gifted)
When I think of Kuhl, I think of my time sea kayak guiding day trips in Bayfield. Inevitably on every trip a happy couple in their late 50s would show up with big binoculars for bird watching chatting about their time traveling Zimbabwe, decked out head-to-toe in Kuhl, looking like they robbed the Minneapolis REI. They always would tip well.
In high school, I had a heinously fuzzy jacket from Kuhl I wore almost every day. I liked to pretend I lived in a ski town in the Swiss Alps, not Southern Michigan. I’ve always associated Kuhl with adults who have the money to travel— something I aspire to be one day.
Me, wearing the Prism 1/2 under a sweater. You can see how high the neck comes and it works really well as a mid-layer.
Turns out, I get the hype. Kuhl makes comfortable clothing that tows the line between gear and fashion and the quality feels expensive. I got the Prism 1/2 zip in Sagebrush and did, in fact, wear it for a week straight without washing. It’s a super warm midlayer, and I like how the height and loose fit of the neck is almost a built-in neck gaiter.
This fleece is good for: Hiking, couch-sitting, wearing to the grocery when it’s 18 F and you can’t be bothered to throw on a coat. A real winner.
This fleece is not good for: Packing in a carry on. This is a pretty bulky fleece, and while it’s perfect for wearing on a plane, it doesn’t pack down small enough to fit in the one backpack you brought because god forbid you pay for a checked bag (me).
Oboz Winter Boots
All the pretty PNW sports bra mountain girls wear Danner boots, and man the power of pretty PNW sports bra mountain girls is pervasive. Maybe if I had her stylish boots with the pretty red laces I would hike mountains more, and I would tie my hair up in a ponytail and it would have perfect effortless curls and I too could stand on a mountain in a sports bra—
I think they’re peddling much more than the idea of if you buy this you can look like me.
Photo shot in collaboration with my wonderful friend Emily. Photos like this do well on Instagram specifically because of how well they peddle the granola girl aesthetic— you can see that I’m blonde, and presumably in good hiking shape, but you can’t see my face and with that you can imagine I’m a lot of things. You can imagine I’m confident, that I’m pretty, that I hike five miles really fast; you can imagine that I feel good about myself most of the time. I’m a blank slate; an idea not a person.
I think the idea that the PNW sports bra mountain top girls and those adjacent to them (me, sometimes) are peddling, intentionally or not, is that by borrowing the aesthetics of the PNW sports bra mountain top girl you can inch just a little closer to the complete happiness and self love she surely experiences.
To have the confidence to stand on a mountain top in a sports bra and love my body, to never look into the mirror and struggle to zip my jeans— I would absolutely buy a pair of boots to brush elbows with that kind of effortless self love.
But self love is not effortless, and certainly does not come with borrowed aesthetics curated by someone adept in presenting their life as something to be romanticized.
I had a pair of Danner winter hiking boots. They were certainly pretty, but halfway through their first winter started fraying at the tops. They never did keep my feet warm, and they we so impractically short that snow often pooled at the ankle and melted inside. They’re probably just fine for the mild PNW winters, but they didn’t fare so well in Minnesota with heavy use. I held onto them longer than I should have. I didn’t feel anything close to effortless self love wearing them; I just had stylish, but cold feet.
This fall I aggressively tagged Oboz, the makers of my beloved Bridger Mid hiking boots, in enough Instagram posts that they offered to send me a free pair of boots to shut me up, so I picked out a new pair of winter hikers to replace my Danners.
Sapphire Mid Winter Hikers (gifted)
Compared to my old Danner winter hikers, these boots are significantly warmer, the higher ankle prevents snow from building up, and they’re comparable in comfort, grip, and wear and tear. I do wish I had gotten the Bridger Winter Hikers instead, just because I think the Bridger line is a hardier boot and probably what I needed. The Sapphire’s were cuter, and I once again made the mistake of putting perceived aesthetics before actual function.
The Sapphire Mid’s are good for: winter hiking, running errands in the snow.
The Sapphire Mid’s are not good for: working inside, though I often wear them at work. They’re super warm, to the point that your feet will sweat when inside.
Kinfield
So if you buy those boots, if you curl your hair before you hike, if you invest in a nice pair of hiking leggings and matching sports bra, if you hike to the top of a mountain and take a picture, if you emulate the girls on Instagram who are experiencing perfect self love, surely you can experience a slice of that euphoric confidence for yourself.
Right?
I stopped wearing makeup when I started living way up north and working outside. I didn’t like the idea of makeup with chemicals I didn’t really understand or ingredients were actively bad for the environment next to my eyes or on my lips. Why is it anyhow, that I felt so compelled to smear things on my face? What’s wrong with my face as it is?
It turns out when you stop wearing makeup completely, no one notices when you’re not wearing makeup. No more of the the “you look sick”, or “you look different and I can’t put my finger on it”, because that’s just your face now, and it’s not better or worse, just yours. Counterintuitively, my confidence in my appearance tangibly increased when I stopped wearing makeup— you realize you’re not actually a hideous beast without any makeup on, people are just used to seeing you with that makeup.
The secret to being pretty without makeup on is just not wearing make up and deciding you’re still pretty. That’s it.
The PNW sports bra mountain girls and the culture and messaging behind it isn’t really so different from the messaging that drives the beauty industry— if you buy this mascara, this eyeliner, these hiking boots, that sports bra, or learn how to do your makeup a certain way you will be one step closer to actually loving the way you look and experiencing that happiness that everyone around you is almost certainly experiencing.
Maybe the secret to loving my body is similar to what I’ve learned about makeup— when you love something, you aren’t constantly thinking about changing it. What starts out difficult, like making a choice to love yourself every day, with practice becomes a habit.
Kinfield, interestingly, is a beauty brand but not a makeup brand. They’re sustainability first, with reef-safe sunscreens, citronella-based bug sprays, and other beauty type products designed to take care of your skin but not alter it’s appearance, and designed and marketed towards people who are outside often. I think it’s really hopeful, and indicative of a change in culture to see a beauty/skincare brand lean away from you need to change your face to be beautiful and into protect and care for your skin and face because you love your body and it deserves to be taken care of.
Kinfield SOS Rescue Mask (gifted)
I’ve been using the Kinfield rescue mask on my dry, dry winter face this winter and it’s definitely made a difference on my flakey, flakey skin. Will definitely purchase a replacement when this one runs out.
That’s not what pretty looks like
I think a lot about Bridget Jones’s Diary. When I watched the movie in high school and watched her think of herself as needing to lose weight I didn’t bat an eye, but I thought about it at track meets and wondered if losing weight would make me faster.
In college I thought that was really sad, that a piece of media like that (and so many others around it) warped my perception of my own body, but now I view the plot and point of Bridget Jones’s struggle with her own body image a little differently. Bridget Jones is a pretty person who a lot of people aspire to look like— once we realize that everyone is dissatisfied with their appearance, perhaps most especially the people we aspire to look like, we are able to realize how cyclical it all is.
Emulating the aesthetics of the PNW mountain sports bra girls will not bring me closer to genuinely loving my body— no pair of boots, no perfect pose, nothing external can do that.
An anonymous thin girl on a mountain with perfect beach waves is not what pretty looks like.
Waking up every morning and practicing loving your body until it becomes a fact, noticing the beautiful things about other people, feeding your body when it’s hungry, buying clothes that make you feel good about yourself, talking not only nice to others but also to yourself, that is what pretty looks like.
Pretty is smile lines, and the wonderful stories you have to tell, and laughing and smiling at the top of the mountain. Pretty is celebrating that your body is able to do incredible things whether it’s a short walk or a thru hike.
And if you’re not there yet, me neither. But it’s something I’m working toward, and I’m going to wake up tomorrow and try and love myself a little better.
more pictures where i look like a very happy green monster in 2023!!
this is objectively the worst photo of me that exists but i really think it speaks to the soul of a 70 day kayak trip
“Everyone, even the people we perceive as thin and fit and happy, even the people who did kayak expeditions over the summer and clocked forty trail miles a week all fall, even the sports bra mountain top girls, is struggling with how their bodies look. There is no number, no amount of miles a week, no pant size, no mile time that will make you love your body, because loving our bodies is a choice we have to wake up and make every single day.“
So many wonderful self-love messages but this one hit me. I have been struggling with lots of negative emotions related to losing weight post-surgery. I have a petite body frame and am thinner because of health reasons. After surgery, I’ve lost muscle which means I’ve lost weight. The gym helps me in a lot of ways but that’s not what people see. Because, you’re right! Many question why a “skinny person” would complain about his/her body. We all have something. This was a good reminder to choose love instead of criticism.