my sun damaged skin & a life outside

instagram filters & what beautiful really looks like, plus some links :)

I’ve been going to bed early lately, brushing my teeth so hard that my gums bleed. I’ve been going for walks in the morning, enjoying the sun on my face. I’ve been drinking orange juice.

There’s a little wrinkle between my eyebrows that’s starting to etch it’s way into my face (I’ll be 28 this month and I’ve really enjoyed being 27. I thought my life would be more put together by 28. It’s not). I think a lot about how I should’ve been better about sunscreen, all those hours spent outside in the northern sun. 

I suppose it’s not too late to start. 

Still, I wouldn’t trade a little sun damage and the adventure that came with it for perfect skin. I would have missed a summer in the Armenian desert, and three full summers of kayak guiding, and a three week expedition paddle on an National Geographic trip and a 70 day paddle of British Columbia and having orcas dive beneath me and seeing bioluminescence for a job most nights of the week.

When I was younger, 19 and very thin with nice skin and a running habit, I was very concerned with the idea of showing age— misplaced values in youth and thinness. 

my unfiltered almost 28-year old face

A few weeks ago in an Irish pub in Minneapolis I watched a woman, probably in her 60s, get up and perform an old Irish song. I thought she was probably one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever seen. 

I thought this too about another paddler I met in a few years back, in her sixties sunkissed and strong, and about an author I met two summers ago.

There is something so stunning to me about a woman who is happy and confident, unafraid to take up space in a room. In comparison, young and extremely thin seem like flimsy metrics. And if there is one thing I know about young women, it is that we are often afraid to take up space in any sense of the word.

Flipping though Instagram stories a few days ago I noticed something — every single face of every single content creator I watched had a filter over it. 

People on the internet are so mean— I’ve posted photos of my face on my story and had people reply “oh wow it’s nice to see someone so normal looking with a following like yours”. Or “are you okay, you look like you’ve been crying” (that’s just my face :) 

Showing your insecurities seems to invite comments on them and I don’t think anyone (not even influencers) should be obligated to share all of their insecurities online. 

So I get it. Looking back at my own stories, of the last five photos of my face I’ve shared, 3 of them had a filter. One was edited in Lightroom before posting, where I decreased the clarity to make my face hazier, very intentional so you can not pick out acne scars or wrinkles or imperfections. The last photo was unedited but shot in almost perfect light— chin tucked into a sweater because I’m self conscious of a double chin from certain angles. 

Sharing pictures of versions of ourselves that we don’t consider to be at our best is hard, and not obligatory of course, but I can’t help but wonder what happens when all of the faces, even of the content creators we assume are posting their normal face, are edited?

It wasn’t until the viral “face of a 28 year old with no work done” trend hit my feed that I saw a single face online that looked like mine at this age— smile lines and a few sunspots. 

When everything we see is distorted reality— skin edited to be flawless, hair edited to be smoother, thinner bodies, even the wilderness itself cropped and edited into it’s most aesthetically pleasing, how do we even know what’s aspirational anymore?

I saw the perfect skin of 30 other online creators and assumed I must stick out like a sore thumb from other women in their late 20s. Oh god, I look old, I thought to myself. 

As if old is the worst thing I could possibly be. What an abysmal thought— that the worst fear of most young woman is something completely inevitable. We are so inundated with anti-aging advertising and the idea that when you’re in your early 20s you’re your most beautiful and the implicit (or sometimes even explicit message) is that beauty and youth are valuable and fade with age and you need anti-wrinkle cream and filler to fix it. 

moments from this winter; dreary and gray with short bursts of pink

There’s a joke in a TV show between a loving couple about how one day he’ll trade his wife in for a younger model. They both laugh, as if that’s not a horrible, terrible thing to say to someone you love. 

Another joke, how men age like a fine wine and women just age out. 

If I spent the rest of my 20s, my 30s, my 40s, aspiring to look young and fighting time I think I would just be miserable. 

(It *almost* feels like the entire goal of the whole beauty/fitness/influencer industry is to have women chase impossible standards of perfect fitness and perfect health and perfectly manicured and beautiful and look young forever so that we’re always focusing our energy and money on something entirely unattainable). 

But all of the people I’ve found to be the most beautiful, who’s shoes I’ve wanted to stand in, have not been women in their early 20s (almost never since turning 25 have I wished to be 23 again, that girl was insufferable). 

I think what I’m aspiring to is the effortless confidence of the women singing in the Irish pub, fearlessly taking up space in a room, everyone watching her. I’m aspiring to be less self conscious, to be more comfortable taking up space. 

good links & updates :)

I have fun news! In addition to the first Apostle Islands women trip dates July 19-23, we’re running a second Apostles women’s trip August 9-13! Feel free to email me at hello[at]madelinemarquardt.com with questions. I’m happy to help with travel logistics, gear rental if needed (sleeping bags & pads) and more.

exploring the apostles :)

Trip costs include all sea kayaking gear minus a sleeping bag, pad, and your clothes, guide tips for kayaking guide, full outfitting through Lost Creek Adventures, experienced guides (me + a second guide), all meals, 5 days of programming, and four nights of camping, and kayak instruction and curriculum beyond the scope of the typical guided sea kayaking trip including rescue practice and navigation.

summer trip planning resources:

Looking to plan a trip this summer but don’t know where to start? Start here!

• Check out the best Great Lakes Destinations

• I ranked 30 hiking trails in the Upper Midwest from best, to worst. See where your favorite trail falls!

• Looking for a kayaking adventure in the Pacific Northwest (whales!!)? Check out the best paddling destinations near Seattle!

• Check out my full archive of free trail guides & outdoor resources!

Beginner-friendly outdoor resources:

• Hacks for finding cheap & used outdoor gear

• A complete guide to kayak camping for beginners!

• Check out the best camping tents for your needs & budget (all tested by me throughout 6 years of work in the outdoors!)

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